This Dream I Had Last Night

It was springtime. My mother was finished putting the clothes on the line so we walked back down the hill. I told her about this dream I had the night before:

I was walking toward the elevator. When I got a few feet closer to the door two old husky white men walked out of the elevator. The smaller man had a cane and it must have distracted me because by the time I realized it, the other much larger white man was staring intently into my face from but a finger away. He exercised his distance, brushed his finger under my nose then grabbed my hand. I tried to pull away but his pull was stronger and more earnest than mine. I gave in long enough to hear he was saying a prayer. It sounded like an ancient prayer because it was in Latin. I know it was in Latin because the only word I could decipher was 'veritas'. He let go of my hand and kept walking. I walked after him needing answers. I wondered if he could see a demon in me, my past or my future. I must've been distraught from what he did because he was far ahead of me going down the escalator. He was half way down and my only chance was to yell: "What does that mean?!" He looked back at me and said something like if I continue, I will end up going the same place he is going. He pointed and looked down the escalator joking with the irony. "Where, down?" I asked. He replied laughing, "Yes, down."

Again I followed him, this time to the pool deck but again with the same question: "But what does that mean?" He said something about my future. He said when I get there, I should completely give in and submit to what God is trying to do. I felt like I was confused but I understood him at the same time. I was perplexed about this whole situation, relieved that I had some resolve, but I didn't know when I was going to get 'there' or where 'there' was. I just knew I had to give in completely to what God was trying to do. And even that was perplexing because how am I supposed to know what God is trying to do? And why did he say it like that, like God has to 'try' to do anything?

The next part of my dream was choppy. I was on a plane, in a hotel, and on that same pool deck. On the plane, my friends wanted me to get ready so we could go somewhere. We were in a rush. My laundry was in the hotel and on my way down, my friends were coming up, dressed and ready to go. She asked me how they looked. Boring. Plain. Wrinkled. I didn't say anything at all, just nodded and smiled. But I remember asking myself, "What's with all the black and red?" On the pool deck, I watched three young African boys half way dive into the water. Their hands were shaped to dive but their bodies were too slow to follow. One belly flopped. The next two cannon balled. But all three had hands shaped to dive. The other much larger white man was there again, yelling at me and my friends to throw in all the toys and for me to jump in with them. All of the toys? I wondered to myself. I didn't say it aloud because I remembered what he told me earlier: completely submit to what God was trying to do. And even though he wasn't God I guess I was just practicing. There wasn't a point in throwing all the toys in the water because we were just about to go. After everyone got ready we were leaving. And there were so many pieces it was going to be a pain trying to collect them all and especially while we were in a rush. And I still had to finish my laundry and get ready - we threw all the toys in the water. I jumped in soon after.

I can't quite remember the placement of this part of my dream but somewhere before we threw all the toys in, my friend was in another part of the pool trying to learn how to swim. I showed up on the pool deck and when she saw me she told me not to watch her. She had been trying to learn all day and I guess she was ashamed to show her progress. I turned away. And laughed when she started swimming again. I could tell she wasn't doing too well from the sound of her frantic stroke.

I hope no one is using the washing machines, I thought to myself. It's so hard to wash your clothes around here. Only two washers and 1 1/2 dryers to a full hall of men. The 1/2 dryer takes ALL day to dry just one load of clothes so imagine how much longer it takes for everyone to wash their clothes around here when the 1/2 dryer is taken up for the day. Luckily, no one was using either so I put in all my clothes and used the last of my laundry detergent. I went back into my room, sat down, and it came to me: I had a dream last night and I remember it. My mom and I were walking down this hill, and I was telling her about a dream I had the night before...

Getting Back to God

My body is possessed with desire for 'worldly pleasures'. I must find it's way out, I must cleanse. Onward & upward I once sought and once lost. I must re-open my shuttered heart-eye unto Thee, I declare with all passion this blood can hold. prayer is my means, acceptance is my victory. No longer will I allow myself to be weighed down by the wayward and unworthy -- where I once willed, I shall again for ask!

Dear God Letters .3

Dear God,

Let me have the self-confidence to know no other is made like me and no other can do what you have made me to do. Please, God, give me resolve to know no other can climb mountains made for me!


Love,
Individual

Dear God Letters .2

Dear God,

Bless me with Your Hand so that I might be Christened with Your Strength and Courage to Act upon Your Teachings and Practice Your Way of Life.


Love,
Student

Dear God Letters .1

Dear God,

I come to You, with open heart, in prayer. Please, God, reveal to me Your Way. Let me walk with You in my heart. Please, God, do with me what You Will.


Love,
Servant

open.up.&.let.God.in.

all I am asking you to do is open up & let God in so God can work in your life. visualize yourself opening up, allow God to settle home where your heart is. With all of God's Power God will never force God's Way in, God will always, as far as I know, let you choose to let God in, but don't be mistaken, God wants in. God loves you, and wants to be and do everything that is best for you. so all I am asking you to do is open up & let God in so God can work in your life! I believe in God, period.

if wrong is bad & right is good / i'm in control until i'm not

Ugh I see all these things I'm doing wrong but why can't I NOT do them? I know I probably shouldn't drink all the time, but I do, and I drink to get drunk. I know I shouldn't smoke cigarettes but I smoke one pretty much every time I think about smoking one, if my mouth isn't too dry or I have a headache already from smoking too many too often. And spending money, wow, I spend about as much as I make, and I'd spend more if I had it. I think it has something to do with my eff it live for the right now be happy everything will be alright it'll all work itself out anyway kind of thinking. I'm starting to think every time I say that before I'm about to spend money, it's more than likely I'm about to spend money I should probably hold on to, because otherwise, why would I have to convince myself it's okay for me to spend this money? LOL like obviously there's something telling me I shouldn't if I'm trying to tell myself I should. So what am I doing??! I hate feeling down on myself, because all the wrong things I've done make me who I am right now, so that's a good thing, if I'm good right now, but how can I be, if I'm still doing bad things? I'm a horrible person, from all the bad I've done. Have you ever felt that way about yourself, like, I'm a piece of shit? I get that way at times, but then it's back to the eff it everything will be alright, it'll all work itself out anyway! And it does! But that's the worst part. I wonder, is it going to take me to see everything NOT be alright and all NOT work itself out for me to not do the things that make me feel like I'm a piece of shit? I hope I don't wait until then. I hope I change before I'm forced to. I mean, they say we have free choice and they say we make our own life and I agree, a little, but that's only for as long as the universe will allow us to continue to abuse it by doing bad things (oh yea, your body is the universe). So what will I choose: to do the good things or continue to do the bad things knowing these are not the good things I could be doing and be eventually forced into the good things? Who knows what I'll choose, but the universe will survive.

same situations.

Why do I keep ending up in the SAME situation? Even though every moment has infinite possibility and the probability is reset so that anything could happen in any given moment totally separate from the moment before it, despite all of the infinite possibilities, why in quantum mechanics do I end up in the SAME EXACT situtation: BROKE! Sit on your couch watch tv all day dead to the fuqn world broke! Can't pay for gas so I'll have to pass face ass broke! Eat @ the parent's crib cuz I can't afford food lame ass broke! Wtf?! Its not like I don't have a job with benefits and a steady income. Its not like bills don't get paid, but why do I keep ending up broke? I party too much. Living every other paycheck to every other paycheck. Its every other cuz 1st of the month always goes to rent, which always leaves me 1/2 broke. Rent is like a bad ass female with a fat ass in some tight ass jeans, see it looks good at first, but after them jeans come off its all sloppy and shit, with indentions, shit is just wobbly and disgusting, fuqn whack if you ask me, but basically its got you all fucked up! Like damn, you'll put them jeans back on? So every other paycheck its party. Party party party let's all get wasted. Its good while you're high & feeling good. But when you come down & wake up the next morning, look where you are, back in the same fuqn situation all over again, pissed off you were ever there and even pissier cuz you're there again. So its kind of like what einstein said, we can't keep doing the same things expecting different results, that's madness. I gotta do something different next time cuz this is driving me fuqn psycho!

Maybe I'll make some more goals for myself. I can save when I'm actually saving for something tangible and not just saving to be saving. Maybe I'll make a wish wall with everything I want on it to remind me what I'm saving for.

I gotta do something, I can't, I won't live like this! Un eck fuqn ceptable!

heady lady

i think therefore i have a brain. and is it so much to ask for my woman to have one too? an intelligent woman. damnit all i ask for is an intelligent woman. i am weak for a heady lady not one that puts on like she's smarter than she actually is but she naturally is smart. she has these big ideas she theorizes she loves to read but only about the things that interest her. when we talk, it is progressive dialogue, it makes sense. she makes sense. and even though i can be difficult to understand, not a problem for her, cause damnit she just might be smarter than me ... but not in what i know. sorry, you can challenge but it's not going to happen. i'm just smarter than you when it comes to that. but she's smarter than me when it comes to this, and damnit, that's fuckin beautiful. i'm weak for it. i yearn for it. i'd shart in my pants for it. i want it so badly i might lie to myself and make it so i need it can't live without it won't live without it pray then will it be so? I WILL IT! BE SO!!!

what to think about today.

Everything I had ever done for him and his mother didn't matter. I lost him.

Something was happening around him much bigger than what he or I had inside. His parents were in a divorce dispute and custody was its wager. He was tangled in between their love. And now I'm tangled in too because she makes me watchman when mother is away. But I failed. I am no match for a father who wants to see his son and a son who wants to see his father! I felt the burden I felt the blame and I felt the fault but I'm relieved. The boy is safe and I realize now that was not a battle for me to win, because it was not my battle to fight!

the origin of itsMikala!

Ok, so it used to be Mike. My father's name. Everyone called me Mike, except for my mom and sometimes my sister. I accepted it. On the registration form for Darlington it asked me for a nickname, I wrote Mike. I didn't know they would call me that. It was my name on every form from then on: my name tag, itinerary, dorm assignment, teacher's attendance rosters, accepting awards, introduced as Mike, all Mike. It was complicated meeting people. What's your name? Mike, but my real name is Mikala. Or this is Mike, and I'd go with it..sometimes. And then they'd murder my name, poor tongues learn to talk! and I'd say, no worries just call me Mike, idiot. Some people would get it though. And some people would ask me what I prefer. Mikala, if you will say it right. But most everyone still called me Mike.

Do I look like a Mike? Do I dress like and act like in any way do I strike you as a Mike?

Naw. Not @ all.

So I went to college and learned ..I MAKE me. I can be who I want to be. But its complicated..I can't get outside of who I am, that is, my human genome. The composition of my physical being which is my body. But this is all me..choice included. But what choice do I have in that which I am in the very beginning of me? And what choice do I have in my fate? Oh, Oedipus speak to me! Should I stray from this longitudinal destiny would I find myself efforting a making away to only a making into that which I was meant to be? If there is a such..a meant to be.

Nonetheless, I choose Mikala. Sauf le nom pero please on my forgiving address me as I so please. And so when they say Mike, I say naw, actually ..itsMikala!

hidden loops in my lonesomeness.

a visit to my lonesome. Lonely there you are alone loner of sorts such that so much said could have been not. But then it was and there it is again, the could have been but wasn't so why didn't you but must you now make due. Then slow down reader as such so does that which writes ..and let it resonate from thine heart vibrations of subtle mind throbbing pain an ache that shouldn't be silenced for if it did would it die would we be? No ..clearly, if there wasn't any reason for its not not being at all. moments of jibber jabber do they even make sense to me? Well of course I am the maker of senses and should it mean anything I am the maker of that. So fucking typical you typical fucking weirdo ..conversations with self. Think it in words then put it in them meanings express its limitlessness ..you fool you've been fooled one too many times that it should have any sense or meaning or shant I couldn't have said if it had not been so, its purposelessness. Loops I tell you, these loops are inexorable yet so neatly tucked in its wordiness.

title?

decomposing body ... still a live ... waste away , drift aloft , broken misconstrued destiny ... promise broken by mass mispercept

there's something i must change...?

(unwanted, no man would wish this on himself things happening to me, and I'm wrestling with if it's them or me, but it's always me, isn't it.)



...But then its back to me and my choices, but am I wrong to think it's not all my fault? Yea, I've got a whole lot to do with it, and I accept I have the most to do with it, but can a portion of each thing that happens to me be some of another person's responsibility in the way that other person chooses to respond to me and my choices? So some things that happen to me are self-inflicted by my choice, and some things that happen to me I could just be a necessary character in another person's personal human experience of God, right? But then it could be my self-inflicting choices that have elected me in that particular position in that other person's personal human experience of God. Or is it all God's Will? But God gave me freedom to choose for myself if I would have God's Will or my own, so I'm back to it's all my fault, if this is me leaning on mine own will and not God's. But then at the same time God also gives that other person that same free choice to have God's Will or his or her own...my life confuses me.

This is therapeutic for me, I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. But I have never suffered like this. I really thought some pains would go away as I got older, but it's only seeming to get worse and more tragic, and more lasting.
It'll all make sense to me, in due time, I pray.

itsmikala

one day we will know

One day we will know why we were here, like this. One day we will know what Jesus really would have done. One day we will know what human social life could have been like, and should have been like. One day we will know all there is to know about the human body, the brain, and its heart. One day we will know what true love is. One day we will know God, and if there is or isn't One. One day we will know the real consequences of abortion and homosexuality. One day we will know who was right and if that even matters. One day we will know the true meaning of freedom. One day all there is to be known, will be known. But until then, I will pray these things are revealed and understanding is mercily bestowed upon us. And until then, I will make the best decisions with what I do know, and live according to and in honor of my knowledge.

Thank You for what I do know, for I know nothing without You.

writing to dreamscapes......

What's the motivation behind making a motivational speech? That would be motivation itself would it not? Be that as it may the motivation of self and the motivation of others. Open upward your heart divine let flow its one of a kind universal mind of truth beauty and goodness . Let it happen or make it happen? A little of both? Open interdependancy a meshing so clean distinction nonexistent, they are one but more profound and less of nonsensical, it is its own, and thus that second is that it is...second and another, one in its own as well. And so as to not sound cheesy, you seem to me to be lost. Let me be your guiding light. Let me be your eyes. Let me be your forward motion. Let me be your one step at a time. But come to find out, your seemingness was my prerogative deflection.....it is i who is lost. And my self pity is your motivation to motivate me. Remind me I am an asset before I say or do anything. Go ahead, I allow it so, and in so allowing, this is my making.....Remind me THAT I AM is evidence of my Divinity and that Being @ all is everything!

i worked with an autistic child today

She was 11. Her mother had to say specifically I noticed, wipe your eyes, open your eyes, look at your teacher. She scared me when she gave focus. It was intense, more attention than what I get in a day from grown folk, even from the ones who pretend to listen. I was her teacher, and in that moment, I was everything to her. Ok now this time, we are going to go in the water and blow bubbles with our mouth. Do this. I blew on the water. She did exactly the same. I was surprised, and amazed. Ok, now do this. I put my mouth in the water and blew bubbles. She quickly immitated. It was a joyful moment, the bubbles tickled her nose, she jumped in laughter. Giggling, she did it again. And over, and over, and over again. I watched, smiling a new smile each time, because each time was as unexpected as the first, and each time was as joyful as the first. Her emotion did not taper. She did not grow tired of laughing. She'd put her face in the water, blow bubbles, be tickled, jump up laughing so surprised as if she had not just done that and as if she was not just about to do the same thing again. I was caught up in the moment, reminded of her specialty. I was jealous. And curious. A glance at her mother, she was enjoying her daughter's play. But time is limited, girl I think you are being silly, her mother said, stop, wipe your eyes, open your eyes, look at your teacher. Ah, here I am again. Now let's try this, put both hands on the wall and kick the water, like this. Hmm, ok, not working, I think to myself, how to do this, I had never worked with an autistic child before, let alone taught one to swim. Ok, let's put this noodle right here, lay on it, on your stomach, lay forward, she looked confused, I mean, lay flat, she looked for her mom, I mean, lay this way, like this. Ok ok, no, like this, no, ok, oh here we go. She's on the noodle, cool, now kick! Kick the water! kick! kick! kick! kick! kick! and she's kicking, keep kicking! still kicking. She was on the noodle, kicking the water and I was moving her around the pool. It was cool cause she kind of held on to me. She didn't too much trust that noodle. I remember her surprise when she first got on the noodle was floating and I showed her both my hands. It was cute, the face she made. But she held on to me as we were moving and she was kicking. It was comforting. Because I was nervous I wasn't sure how she would respond to touch. Awh man, its 5 o'clock. I have to start my class now, sorry. We only had 10mins together. And her mother was so thankful. Do you give private lessons, like would you come out to the house and teach the whole family? I laughed, well I haven't. Uhm, you should! She asked me for my number. I gave it to her. She kept telling me thank you, and I kept saying your welcome. Now I want to tell her thank you. I hope she calls...

straight off the cuff, clean-ed and warmed

3 followers...then I'll put it simply, say it plainly, the life we live I can only speak for myself, a life not worth living, for all that matters is that we are. Not that which that we are...whatever whoever you are it does not matter, it only matters that you are. That you are at all. But then again, these people who I feel don't think I belong where I am, I didn't deserve it, it is only not even because of who I knew, but of who knew me, and what they who knew me thought of me. Could they be misguided unlike you, never underestimating thine power of denial, you fucqn hater, I think everything of nothing of you, you who irritates me tickling at my position so as you could beneath and behind me unseat me and place your undeserving self in my used to be. So I've heard it said, no one can do what I've been sent here to do, as if God were far away and His business would be one with UPS. But should I know anything other than what I am meant to know, once ready to hear, they will only think what I am meant for then to think, being such that God is All of This and All That Is, and so should all that I am commune with in nows be makinged moments of God and that Being In Itself.

Straight off the cuff.

yesterday was my birthday

I don't know what to think of it. I tried to make it a big deal and it wasn't. It was only a big deal to me. Not to dis count what other people felt about it the ones who showed their affection but how much of that was tradition and what you were taught and what you are made to think of birthdays not so much everything about it but at laeast to say you should act like you're excited when it's somebody's birthday for that's the day that person was born and life is worth living so it is certainly worth praising and celebrating. So what did I think about yesterday. I feel different, I was acting different. (Hmm-huff) different in the sense I felt living more straight outward from a center inward it was a turn a coming to face and this is from where I will reach while clinching down securing my safehold in my no self. Do you bring all your past with you into the present? Or do you go in empty wide open unknowing to the now?

What Would You Say?

What would you say to God
For the debt of this life you've been given
In a world filled with pain you've inherited thirst in blood spilled for you?

Would you thank God
Or would you be angry?
Maybe more hurt God would do this to you that God would ever let you get away?

But why would you feel that way?

Open los ojos
Do you not see God is here
And that God is always with You
Because God is All That Is

Certainly My Everything
And me is so elusive
Subject to God's Will
Submissive to God's Purpose

Then beg the question
What does God Will
And what is God's Purpose?

Ask,
Open Heart,
God Reveal.

Love.
Love is My Answer.
Love for God.
Love for you.
Love for me.