open.up.&.let.God.in.

all I am asking you to do is open up & let God in so God can work in your life. visualize yourself opening up, allow God to settle home where your heart is. With all of God's Power God will never force God's Way in, God will always, as far as I know, let you choose to let God in, but don't be mistaken, God wants in. God loves you, and wants to be and do everything that is best for you. so all I am asking you to do is open up & let God in so God can work in your life! I believe in God, period.

if wrong is bad & right is good / i'm in control until i'm not

Ugh I see all these things I'm doing wrong but why can't I NOT do them? I know I probably shouldn't drink all the time, but I do, and I drink to get drunk. I know I shouldn't smoke cigarettes but I smoke one pretty much every time I think about smoking one, if my mouth isn't too dry or I have a headache already from smoking too many too often. And spending money, wow, I spend about as much as I make, and I'd spend more if I had it. I think it has something to do with my eff it live for the right now be happy everything will be alright it'll all work itself out anyway kind of thinking. I'm starting to think every time I say that before I'm about to spend money, it's more than likely I'm about to spend money I should probably hold on to, because otherwise, why would I have to convince myself it's okay for me to spend this money? LOL like obviously there's something telling me I shouldn't if I'm trying to tell myself I should. So what am I doing??! I hate feeling down on myself, because all the wrong things I've done make me who I am right now, so that's a good thing, if I'm good right now, but how can I be, if I'm still doing bad things? I'm a horrible person, from all the bad I've done. Have you ever felt that way about yourself, like, I'm a piece of shit? I get that way at times, but then it's back to the eff it everything will be alright, it'll all work itself out anyway! And it does! But that's the worst part. I wonder, is it going to take me to see everything NOT be alright and all NOT work itself out for me to not do the things that make me feel like I'm a piece of shit? I hope I don't wait until then. I hope I change before I'm forced to. I mean, they say we have free choice and they say we make our own life and I agree, a little, but that's only for as long as the universe will allow us to continue to abuse it by doing bad things (oh yea, your body is the universe). So what will I choose: to do the good things or continue to do the bad things knowing these are not the good things I could be doing and be eventually forced into the good things? Who knows what I'll choose, but the universe will survive.

same situations.

Why do I keep ending up in the SAME situation? Even though every moment has infinite possibility and the probability is reset so that anything could happen in any given moment totally separate from the moment before it, despite all of the infinite possibilities, why in quantum mechanics do I end up in the SAME EXACT situtation: BROKE! Sit on your couch watch tv all day dead to the fuqn world broke! Can't pay for gas so I'll have to pass face ass broke! Eat @ the parent's crib cuz I can't afford food lame ass broke! Wtf?! Its not like I don't have a job with benefits and a steady income. Its not like bills don't get paid, but why do I keep ending up broke? I party too much. Living every other paycheck to every other paycheck. Its every other cuz 1st of the month always goes to rent, which always leaves me 1/2 broke. Rent is like a bad ass female with a fat ass in some tight ass jeans, see it looks good at first, but after them jeans come off its all sloppy and shit, with indentions, shit is just wobbly and disgusting, fuqn whack if you ask me, but basically its got you all fucked up! Like damn, you'll put them jeans back on? So every other paycheck its party. Party party party let's all get wasted. Its good while you're high & feeling good. But when you come down & wake up the next morning, look where you are, back in the same fuqn situation all over again, pissed off you were ever there and even pissier cuz you're there again. So its kind of like what einstein said, we can't keep doing the same things expecting different results, that's madness. I gotta do something different next time cuz this is driving me fuqn psycho!

Maybe I'll make some more goals for myself. I can save when I'm actually saving for something tangible and not just saving to be saving. Maybe I'll make a wish wall with everything I want on it to remind me what I'm saving for.

I gotta do something, I can't, I won't live like this! Un eck fuqn ceptable!

heady lady

i think therefore i have a brain. and is it so much to ask for my woman to have one too? an intelligent woman. damnit all i ask for is an intelligent woman. i am weak for a heady lady not one that puts on like she's smarter than she actually is but she naturally is smart. she has these big ideas she theorizes she loves to read but only about the things that interest her. when we talk, it is progressive dialogue, it makes sense. she makes sense. and even though i can be difficult to understand, not a problem for her, cause damnit she just might be smarter than me ... but not in what i know. sorry, you can challenge but it's not going to happen. i'm just smarter than you when it comes to that. but she's smarter than me when it comes to this, and damnit, that's fuckin beautiful. i'm weak for it. i yearn for it. i'd shart in my pants for it. i want it so badly i might lie to myself and make it so i need it can't live without it won't live without it pray then will it be so? I WILL IT! BE SO!!!

what to think about today.

Everything I had ever done for him and his mother didn't matter. I lost him.

Something was happening around him much bigger than what he or I had inside. His parents were in a divorce dispute and custody was its wager. He was tangled in between their love. And now I'm tangled in too because she makes me watchman when mother is away. But I failed. I am no match for a father who wants to see his son and a son who wants to see his father! I felt the burden I felt the blame and I felt the fault but I'm relieved. The boy is safe and I realize now that was not a battle for me to win, because it was not my battle to fight!

the origin of itsMikala!

Ok, so it used to be Mike. My father's name. Everyone called me Mike, except for my mom and sometimes my sister. I accepted it. On the registration form for Darlington it asked me for a nickname, I wrote Mike. I didn't know they would call me that. It was my name on every form from then on: my name tag, itinerary, dorm assignment, teacher's attendance rosters, accepting awards, introduced as Mike, all Mike. It was complicated meeting people. What's your name? Mike, but my real name is Mikala. Or this is Mike, and I'd go with it..sometimes. And then they'd murder my name, poor tongues learn to talk! and I'd say, no worries just call me Mike, idiot. Some people would get it though. And some people would ask me what I prefer. Mikala, if you will say it right. But most everyone still called me Mike.

Do I look like a Mike? Do I dress like and act like in any way do I strike you as a Mike?

Naw. Not @ all.

So I went to college and learned ..I MAKE me. I can be who I want to be. But its complicated..I can't get outside of who I am, that is, my human genome. The composition of my physical being which is my body. But this is all me..choice included. But what choice do I have in that which I am in the very beginning of me? And what choice do I have in my fate? Oh, Oedipus speak to me! Should I stray from this longitudinal destiny would I find myself efforting a making away to only a making into that which I was meant to be? If there is a such..a meant to be.

Nonetheless, I choose Mikala. Sauf le nom pero please on my forgiving address me as I so please. And so when they say Mike, I say naw, actually ..itsMikala!

hidden loops in my lonesomeness.

a visit to my lonesome. Lonely there you are alone loner of sorts such that so much said could have been not. But then it was and there it is again, the could have been but wasn't so why didn't you but must you now make due. Then slow down reader as such so does that which writes ..and let it resonate from thine heart vibrations of subtle mind throbbing pain an ache that shouldn't be silenced for if it did would it die would we be? No ..clearly, if there wasn't any reason for its not not being at all. moments of jibber jabber do they even make sense to me? Well of course I am the maker of senses and should it mean anything I am the maker of that. So fucking typical you typical fucking weirdo ..conversations with self. Think it in words then put it in them meanings express its limitlessness ..you fool you've been fooled one too many times that it should have any sense or meaning or shant I couldn't have said if it had not been so, its purposelessness. Loops I tell you, these loops are inexorable yet so neatly tucked in its wordiness.