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Friday, May 13, 2011

This Dream I Had Last Night

It was springtime. My mother was finished putting the clothes on the line so we walked back down the hill. I told her about this dream I had the night before:

I was walking toward the elevator. When I got a few feet closer to the door two old husky white men walked out of the elevator. The smaller man had a cane and it must have distracted me because by the time I realized it, the other much larger white man was staring intently into my face from but a finger away. He exercised his distance, brushed his finger under my nose then grabbed my hand. I tried to pull away but his pull was stronger and more earnest than mine. I gave in long enough to hear he was saying a prayer. It sounded like an ancient prayer because it was in Latin. I know it was in Latin because the only word I could decipher was 'veritas'. He let go of my hand and kept walking. I walked after him needing answers. I wondered if he could see a demon in me, my past or my future. I must've been distraught from what he did because he was far ahead of me going down the escalator. He was half way down and my only chance was to yell: "What does that mean?!" He looked back at me and said something like if I continue, I will end up going the same place he is going. He pointed and looked down the escalator joking with the irony. "Where, down?" I asked. He replied laughing, "Yes, down."

Again I followed him, this time to the pool deck but again with the same question: "But what does that mean?" He said something about my future. He said when I get there, I should completely give in and submit to what God is trying to do. I felt like I was confused but I understood him at the same time. I was perplexed about this whole situation, relieved that I had some resolve, but I didn't know when I was going to get 'there' or where 'there' was. I just knew I had to give in completely to what God was trying to do. And even that was perplexing because how am I supposed to know what God is trying to do? And why did he say it like that, like God has to 'try' to do anything?

The next part of my dream was choppy. I was on a plane, in a hotel, and on that same pool deck. On the plane, my friends wanted me to get ready so we could go somewhere. We were in a rush. My laundry was in the hotel and on my way down, my friends were coming up, dressed and ready to go. She asked me how they looked. Boring. Plain. Wrinkled. I didn't say anything at all, just nodded and smiled. But I remember asking myself, "What's with all the black and red?" On the pool deck, I watched three young African boys half way dive into the water. Their hands were shaped to dive but their bodies were too slow to follow. One belly flopped. The next two cannon balled. But all three had hands shaped to dive. The other much larger white man was there again, yelling at me and my friends to throw in all the toys and for me to jump in with them. All of the toys? I wondered to myself. I didn't say it aloud because I remembered what he told me earlier: completely submit to what God was trying to do. And even though he wasn't God I guess I was just practicing. There wasn't a point in throwing all the toys in the water because we were just about to go. After everyone got ready we were leaving. And there were so many pieces it was going to be a pain trying to collect them all and especially while we were in a rush. And I still had to finish my laundry and get ready - we threw all the toys in the water. I jumped in soon after.

I can't quite remember the placement of this part of my dream but somewhere before we threw all the toys in, my friend was in another part of the pool trying to learn how to swim. I showed up on the pool deck and when she saw me she told me not to watch her. She had been trying to learn all day and I guess she was ashamed to show her progress. I turned away. And laughed when she started swimming again. I could tell she wasn't doing too well from the sound of her frantic stroke.

I hope no one is using the washing machines, I thought to myself. It's so hard to wash your clothes around here. Only two washers and 1 1/2 dryers to a full hall of men. The 1/2 dryer takes ALL day to dry just one load of clothes so imagine how much longer it takes for everyone to wash their clothes around here when the 1/2 dryer is taken up for the day. Luckily, no one was using either so I put in all my clothes and used the last of my laundry detergent. I went back into my room, sat down, and it came to me: I had a dream last night and I remember it. My mom and I were walking down this hill, and I was telling her about a dream I had the night before...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Getting Back to God

My body is possessed with desire for 'worldly pleasures'. I must find it's way out, I must cleanse. Onward & upward I once sought and once lost. I must re-open my shuttered heart-eye unto Thee, I declare with all passion this blood can hold. prayer is my means, acceptance is my victory. No longer will I allow myself to be weighed down by the wayward and unworthy -- where I once willed, I shall again for ask!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dear God Letters .3

Dear God,

Let me have the self-confidence to know no other is made like me and no other can do what you have made me to do. Please, God, give me resolve to know no other can climb mountains made for me!


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dear God Letters .2

Dear God,

Bless me with Your Hand so that I might be Christened with Your Strength and Courage to Act upon Your Teachings and Practice Your Way of Life.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Dear God Letters .1

Dear God,

I come to You, with open heart, in prayer. Please, God, reveal to me Your Way. Let me walk with You in my heart. Please, God, do with me what You Will.



all I am asking you to do is open up & let God in so God can work in your life. visualize yourself opening up, allow God to settle home where your heart is. With all of God's Power God will never force God's Way in, God will always, as far as I know, let you choose to let God in, but don't be mistaken, God wants in. God loves you, and wants to be and do everything that is best for you. so all I am asking you to do is open up & let God in so God can work in your life! I believe in God, period.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

if wrong is bad & right is good / i'm in control until i'm not

Ugh I see all these things I'm doing wrong but why can't I NOT do them? I know I probably shouldn't drink all the time, but I do, and I drink to get drunk. I know I shouldn't smoke cigarettes but I smoke one pretty much every time I think about smoking one, if my mouth isn't too dry or I have a headache already from smoking too many too often. And spending money, wow, I spend about as much as I make, and I'd spend more if I had it. I think it has something to do with my eff it live for the right now be happy everything will be alright it'll all work itself out anyway kind of thinking. I'm starting to think every time I say that before I'm about to spend money, it's more than likely I'm about to spend money I should probably hold on to, because otherwise, why would I have to convince myself it's okay for me to spend this money? LOL like obviously there's something telling me I shouldn't if I'm trying to tell myself I should. So what am I doing??! I hate feeling down on myself, because all the wrong things I've done make me who I am right now, so that's a good thing, if I'm good right now, but how can I be, if I'm still doing bad things? I'm a horrible person, from all the bad I've done. Have you ever felt that way about yourself, like, I'm a piece of shit? I get that way at times, but then it's back to the eff it everything will be alright, it'll all work itself out anyway! And it does! But that's the worst part. I wonder, is it going to take me to see everything NOT be alright and all NOT work itself out for me to not do the things that make me feel like I'm a piece of shit? I hope I don't wait until then. I hope I change before I'm forced to. I mean, they say we have free choice and they say we make our own life and I agree, a little, but that's only for as long as the universe will allow us to continue to abuse it by doing bad things (oh yea, your body is the universe). So what will I choose: to do the good things or continue to do the bad things knowing these are not the good things I could be doing and be eventually forced into the good things? Who knows what I'll choose, but the universe will survive.