heady lady

i think therefore i have a brain. and is it so much to ask for my woman to have one too? an intelligent woman. damnit all i ask for is an intelligent woman. i am weak for a heady lady not one that puts on like she's smarter than she actually is but she naturally is smart. she has these big ideas she theorizes she loves to read but only about the things that interest her. when we talk, it is progressive dialogue, it makes sense. she makes sense. and even though i can be difficult to understand, not a problem for her, cause damnit she just might be smarter than me ... but not in what i know. sorry, you can challenge but it's not going to happen. i'm just smarter than you when it comes to that. but she's smarter than me when it comes to this, and damnit, that's fuckin beautiful. i'm weak for it. i yearn for it. i'd shart in my pants for it. i want it so badly i might lie to myself and make it so i need it can't live without it won't live without it pray then will it be so? I WILL IT! BE SO!!!

what to think about today.

Everything I had ever done for him and his mother didn't matter. I lost him.

Something was happening around him much bigger than what he or I had inside. His parents were in a divorce dispute and custody was its wager. He was tangled in between their love. And now I'm tangled in too because she makes me watchman when mother is away. But I failed. I am no match for a father who wants to see his son and a son who wants to see his father! I felt the burden I felt the blame and I felt the fault but I'm relieved. The boy is safe and I realize now that was not a battle for me to win, because it was not my battle to fight!

the origin of itsMikala!

Ok, so it used to be Mike. My father's name. Everyone called me Mike, except for my mom and sometimes my sister. I accepted it. On the registration form for Darlington it asked me for a nickname, I wrote Mike. I didn't know they would call me that. It was my name on every form from then on: my name tag, itinerary, dorm assignment, teacher's attendance rosters, accepting awards, introduced as Mike, all Mike. It was complicated meeting people. What's your name? Mike, but my real name is Mikala. Or this is Mike, and I'd go with it..sometimes. And then they'd murder my name, poor tongues learn to talk! and I'd say, no worries just call me Mike, idiot. Some people would get it though. And some people would ask me what I prefer. Mikala, if you will say it right. But most everyone still called me Mike.

Do I look like a Mike? Do I dress like and act like in any way do I strike you as a Mike?

Naw. Not @ all.

So I went to college and learned ..I MAKE me. I can be who I want to be. But its complicated..I can't get outside of who I am, that is, my human genome. The composition of my physical being which is my body. But this is all me..choice included. But what choice do I have in that which I am in the very beginning of me? And what choice do I have in my fate? Oh, Oedipus speak to me! Should I stray from this longitudinal destiny would I find myself efforting a making away to only a making into that which I was meant to be? If there is a such..a meant to be.

Nonetheless, I choose Mikala. Sauf le nom pero please on my forgiving address me as I so please. And so when they say Mike, I say naw, actually ..itsMikala!

hidden loops in my lonesomeness.

a visit to my lonesome. Lonely there you are alone loner of sorts such that so much said could have been not. But then it was and there it is again, the could have been but wasn't so why didn't you but must you now make due. Then slow down reader as such so does that which writes ..and let it resonate from thine heart vibrations of subtle mind throbbing pain an ache that shouldn't be silenced for if it did would it die would we be? No ..clearly, if there wasn't any reason for its not not being at all. moments of jibber jabber do they even make sense to me? Well of course I am the maker of senses and should it mean anything I am the maker of that. So fucking typical you typical fucking weirdo ..conversations with self. Think it in words then put it in them meanings express its limitlessness ..you fool you've been fooled one too many times that it should have any sense or meaning or shant I couldn't have said if it had not been so, its purposelessness. Loops I tell you, these loops are inexorable yet so neatly tucked in its wordiness.