a beggar's relief

Wait, listen. What is it you hear? Growth and punishment or Learning and blessings ? This suffering in not knowing ! Rid me of all falsity , cleanse me in your Truth ! If You Will and only if ! Me and my philosophical sin Think Truth in me and I shall never go adrift. For what other of water could quench this particular parchedness ? clearly none other than You , God That Is All That Is Most Highest Below and All In Between All Goodness All Inward All Over !

becoming like a child (11.21.2006)

to be right alone? or wrong with you? and confusion reveals itself to me when i am to love my neighbor unconditionally as you have loved me... but what if they are wrong? as i am so often and still, you love me... and desire to be with me... oh! to desire as you!

stand up! for self if self is right in the midst of others who are wrong! stand up! for others, even if theyre wrong! include self in others especially when they are wrong and be with them and be wrong! for to stand with and beside someone because you love them has nothing to do with right or wrong! you stand with and beside them because you love them... and you love them no matter the condition of right or wrong! you stand with and beside them because you love them... and you love them unconditionally!

oh! resolve this contradiction! unless it is non-contradiction and it is only me that is mud in clear water!

it is that i become (11.1.06)

what is it that im supposed to be doing? this is weird. all so fuckin weird. that i think. that i can think about thinking. that i think about the thinks that i think about and think about those thinks and not others. that there are thoughts that call for thinking and thoughts that aren't thought at all to be thoughtful. and that some thoughts take more time to think than others. and that i am not ready for the thoughts that i have not thought and ready for the thoughts that i have. timing dude and purpose in timing, right time and wrong, is time and not. you should hear the thoughts my mind thinks. how is it that you decide what to think? or when to think? or how to think? or what to say? and when to say? and how to say? and how do you decide what to think when you dont mean to think it? or what to say when you say something you dont mean to say? or say it when you dont mean to say it? or say it how you dont mean to say it? what am i saying? and what is this suffering? this pain? this becoming? that i dont arleady know, that i have to come to know and come to know that i did not once know what i have now come to know. dude fuckin weird that i dont already know and dont already understand and that i have to come to know and come to understanding. fuckin weird the energy of thoughts. fuckin weird how energy is distributed if it is. they say its entropy that tells energy where to go. entropy? what the fuck? fuckin weird energy of entropy. fuckin weird where is the source of all this energy? is there source? dude, all too much for me except to say it doesnt make sense separate source away from where life is and is not... but all of this is fuckin weird. energy of meaning? energy of awareness? does everything mean something or does only a little of all of this mean a whole lot? does the first piece speak purpose for the whole puzzle? sure sure without the first piece what are the beginnings of a puzzle? but without the puzzle... ah, no puzzle without pieces. and no puzzle with just one piece. it begins with one piece and becomes many pieces that are puzzle in the process of putting together. That's confusing… but then you would say it's a finished puzzle, like a solved riddle. I say though whats the nature of a puzzle? and the nature of a riddle? What do these become? Is it that a puzzle becomes finished, and a riddle solved? What is there to say of a question… that is answered. An answered question or does not the question take the form of its answer? It becomes its answer no? what is the color of this font? Black. This is black font. Wheres the question when the answer is present? The question is in the answer no? This font is black. Oh, I see the question this is an answer to. Surely it is a question of the color of this font. blah blah blah... the question becomes its answer!

it is that i become.

ideal society (11.11.2006)

ideal society ensures that even the weakest can reproduce. therefore ideal society contradicts survival of the fittest, only the strongest survive... but what is this save yourself, me first, only the strongest survive in society? doesnt make sense. in ideal society, the strong protect the weak... as pompous as that sounds, but in ideal society the strong do not go around asserting their strength over the weak just to re-affirm their strength. no not at all, strength is strong when its able to belittle but strength is stronger when its proud to be little... so the truly strong instead ought and do, in ideal society, use their strength to empower the weak so that the entire chain becomes stronger, so that all are strong. it is harder to do for a society whose successful individuals, that is, those who are survivors, those who have found and secured their niche in society are emitting a do it yourself, sink or swim, disengaged energy. confusion. i hear truth in doing for others. i hear truth in compassion for others. i hear truth in intimate interconnectedness that must never be forgotten nor betrayed. some live for others and to strengthen society, that is, to make society better! while others live for self and only to survive in society. confusion. i envision a logic that says find self in others. find self in that which is world, universe, that which is all. take care of world, universe, all and world, universe, all will take care of self... drop in the ocean, ocean in the drop. self does for all and does for an all that includes self. all is self encompassing. a one that is all encompassing. but what better way to take care of all than to let every one take care of own self? this will take care of all and rid all of the ones who cant take care of own self. and itd be this way instead of some doing for all and others doing just for self. or let it be that every one does for a self encompassing all. if it is not one or the other, it will continue to be that those who are doing for all are doing also for those who are doing for self. does this sound just? does this sound fair? the ones doing for all include in their all the ones doing for self, the ones doing not for all. wo es reciprocity? wo es shared responsibility? wo es compassion among the ones doing for self for the ones struggling to not do for self and choose instead to do for all? wo es understanding among the ones doing for self that doing for all is doing for self? but still not so clear, i also see doing for self is doing for all. each one included in all must be taken care of one at a time and individually in order to take care of all. take care of all without taking care of one self at a time? idealistic? maybe. maybe not. i can ask for my crooked finger to be made straight but then, after it is straightened i will ask to have my other finger straightened. then, i will ask to have my stretch marks removed. then, i will ask for my toes to look better... but why dont i at first just ask for all of me to be perfect? still, let it be that each one takes care of self... this is me being and doing for self. im finna do me, fuck errbody else. the only reason anyone would mind me is if i can help them secure their own survival, the thriving kind. they want for their own benefit access to something that i have, some trade, some skill, some power, some knowledge, some piece. or, theyd mind me if i were a threat to their survival, which means now they are a threat to mine. they are my enemy. and what better way to beat one's enemy than to kill it? me no raise snake to get bitten. im focused. im g bout my bizness. mind yo own cause i mind mine. and get yours cause im finna get mine. god bless the child that can take care of himself. and i will do it by my gotdamn self. im in control. my way. im gon make it happen. and youre gonna love me. now i grind. burn bridges except to the ones that can do for me. no friendships and fuck love cause lovell get you killed. get money or get nothing. i hustle. i do it on my own, i look out only for me, and i get money. im bout me. and no need to shine, im on the low wit mine. cause once they know, they plottin ta get it. selfish, but i survive.

or...

this is me doing for all. o little o me i am no one special, i just want to help others, in any way that i can. i give my self, back. i give my life, back. the self, the life thats been given me as gift i give back grateful thankful for having been given, and given such gifts. i will put others before me, always, and without reserve. they will take advantage, but i will give anyway. i will trust. they will betray. but i will trust anyway. i will be enclosed in my disclosure. open to understanding. still growing in silence. i will lose self in others. i will be no self. i will not judge, but only observe and take note. i will do no harm. i will be kind. i will be filled with compassion. and being nice will be natural. i will love! and love with passion! i will forgive. and with grace and mercy. but i will be just. i will be fair. all of this i will strive to become. it will be hard but i will struggle. then, i will die.

so ive observed, and its true for me, right now (11.26.2006)

what is true for me, right now? ill tell you...

it is true for me that when i do things for another person, with another person in mind... something doesnt work out, something goes wrong.

it is true for me that when i do things for god, with god in mind... it works out, things go right. somehow. even though i couldnt tell you all of what, all of who, more than a little of why, or any of how god is... i think i can tell you when and where god is. and maybe a little of what and who god is. and my explanation is heavy evidence i find in observation. evidence that reveals itself to me so that i might find. god is, i think, similar to what we call a personality, a kind of person... and the word god is, i think, just that, a word, that is a name, that is a signifier, that points to that personality behind it. it points, i think, to that kind of person it signifies. so when i try to do for god, i try to think to do for whatever is behind the name and to whomever that name points.

to communicate a little better, the idea of thinking of god as name and thinking to do for what and who is behind the name i think is similar to how we ought try and see person behind race, body shape, facial features, look, style, swagga, circumstance, and even choice. absurd! these are the attributes that make person! yes, id say so as well. in fact, i am saying that. but i am also saying i think ideal is to see person even behind personality, which, for now, i am saying is everything that makes you the person you are, which are those attributes, as ive said before, that make person. so since personality is found in person and revealed in action of person, this i think is evidence of person before personality. person that is there before action. person that is there where coming into being and being are only action. and i think there is something i ought love in that person that is before personality. there is something i think i ought love before considering who that person is and what that person has done. i think it is that i ought love the mysterious reason for person. maybe i ought love the mysterious purpose of that there is person! and that there is that person! and so also... i think i ought love what or who is behind person! i think i ought love what or who is behind that there is person! and what or who is behind that there is that person!

becoming god like (11.22.06)

where do i begin... they say, what you do, is who you are. something like a person is judged by their actions. ehhh, i dont know... but i will continue with this logic because this is as its been said. it is lacking but still... compassionate people show compassion, and that is their doing for that is who they are. those who are listeners, listen. and those who are thinkers, think. ill go ahead and throw it out there... but carefully... who was jesus? and i will get to the answer of this question by saying those who are christian strive to do the things jesus did, and their striving to do the things jesus did is their striving to be christ like. those who strive to be christ like are christians and are christians by striving to be christ like... so those who are christians strive to be christ like and are so by doing the things jesus did. do as jesus did and do that which is christ like and be christian. those who are christian do christly things! but does christianity go so far as to say become christ? does christianity go so far as to say do as jesus did and become christ by the christly things you do? since as i said before it has been said, a person is who they are by what they do!

consider now, who is it that jesus was being like in doing the things jesus did? i think god. maybe maybe not. his actions were godly. maybe, maybe not. (this is where i must share fault for i do not know... i only try to understand and try by asking that i may be given understanding). tis simpler just to say jesus is one with god. one with god and one with god by his actions. who is it that the christian is really striving to be like when the christian is striving to be like jesus christ? is it not who jesus christ is like? who is the christian striving to become when the christian strives to be christ like? ... and they become that by their actions because they are what they do. i said all of that to say this, and plainly... it seems to be by virtue of reason that one who does godly things, we would say, is god like. would we go so far as to say a person who does godly things, is, god? ... because a person is who they are by what they do... and a person must be god (and first be god before he or she is even able) to do the things god does... ???

but i will take a step back because that seems a little much and i will close by saying, a person is god like, who does that which is godly!

wo es the mystery?

My One True Love (a poem)

You are The One,
My One True Love

All I Need Now and Forever More True Love
Agape Everlasting Unconditional True Love
Patient and Kind Unaltering True Love

Even When I Don't I Still Want You True Love
Can’t Find You and Still Know You’re Always There True Love
Even When I'm Not I'll Never Stop Loving You True Love
Can't Stand You and Still I Stand With You True Love

Memories of Now Eternal In Me
But Inevitable Our Spirits from Bodies Released
And Spread Everywhere Into Everything
Still Then I'll Remain One with You,
And You'll Remain One with Me
One with God Eternally
All as One True Love

I or Thou?

What today? What this moment? What right now? And here I am, being human again. But is this what I want to be? I must change. I must become. But where, then, shall I go? What, then, should I become? Can I become? Is there to become? Dilemma. Jesus, don't get me wrong, has made quite an impression on me in my life. And mine of experience, I have been hearing about Jesus all my life, different faces, many faces of Jesus. Bite. So He talks about humility, and trusting in God, and loving no other but God, and knowing there is no other but God. So goodness is humility, trust, love, and obedience. And of most importance is to love God, and one another. Then I hear about Religion as a tool of oppression and repression. I take nothing from Jesus and I'd say entertaining this is foolish but that is why I am brave. So for every good, there is a bad. And for every right, there is a wrong. And this goodness speaks of pride, and majesty, and respect, and honor, and strength, and power. True in before one finds strength and power in humility but in reality this is why states and nations do not govern with Christian morals for these countries that turn their cheek and are meek are as well conquered. They will never get what they want because they don't take it. Their humility won't allow them to. They only receive what is given and is given what is Godrightly bestowed as Godgift. A righteous Deuteronomy speaks principles. Here, this is all there is a win and loss. There is no winning in losing. There is no power in powerlessness. There is win. There is lose. There is power. There is powerlessness. And one is one and the other is lack of. But then there must be more, we hope. Quintessential. No. Of hope we are blind. We must see and know aesthetically, evidentially, empirically. So here's the fork, humble in love and trust in God, the kind that is little and weak? Or strength, respect, and power in me, the kind that is proud, noble, and King David majestic?

I have chosen but I am not the chooser.

And who are those who live in illusion?
Knowing God is like holding water.

only peace death?

writing to Orka Veer.

today, i will write about my day, this day that has been given me, in moments, in pieces. each piece belongs to me. it is mine. but who is me? no me i remind myself no feelings no emotions no mind. no mind. no self. no me. but surely even to think this i must be me unless ... what else could be doing the thinking? could it be thought itself and i am that? i confuse myself. there now i see distance between thought and me. i experience thought. i think. and think to not think. no feelings no emotions no mind. no mind. no self. no me. i repeat it to myself to remind myself. i mean reminding is what im doing but im practicing. practicing no mind by saying, in thought, no feelings no emotions no mind. no mind. no self. no me. there is only being. being is all there is.

i was upset so i left the house and started walking. even with my family calling after me i kept walking. i didn't know where i was walking i just knew i was going to walk. cigs, cell phone, check card, check book, license, house keys, smokes, one hitter, fire, book, bottle water. out of the neighborhood, right, or left? right. it was hot. cars pass by who gives a fuck. yea, im in the road. you move. some did, some didnt. people. na, no time to be social who cares anyway. fuck, down to my last drop. out of water and i was only half way to where i turned out to be going. it was getting hotter. my walk slowed to a casual stroll. out of water i thought to stop. to my left, and i had never noticed before, an abandoned house. how could i get to the top of the driveway in front of the front door hidden behind the trees without being noticed? just go i thought. now. no worries just go. i didn't. i walked further down the road. there! there i would find peace. i will walk down this path to the back, i had never been here before. it was next to a house or a house next to it but a house with a tall fence. they could only see me through the cracks and they'd have to be looking pretty hard to notice me. and even if they did they'd just assume i was there to visit a friend, a relative, someone close to me who died. no reason to call the police. they would only bother the unconscious part of me with their sympathy. and this, people feel and are not aware of except to know they feel these things although they are not consciously acknowledged. Harper. McKinney. not familiar. i made my way to what was the back and lowest of the ground hidden from the main road. besides, i pass this cemetery almost every day and never take a second look at it. so i was experienced comfortable. sitting, i begin to cry. good, i haven't cried in a long time, i need to. shit, that's all, that wasn't even a good cry. now im trying to force myself to cry but i cant stay sad enough long enough to make a constant stream of tears enough to feel like im really letting everything out and really letting go -- that's a good cry. what i had, not a good cry, especially now that im trying to force myself to cry. damnit why can't i cry? whatever. i wipe my single tear and take a look back to the main road. nows the time. it's ok. i load the one hitter and fire the smokes. schweet. every time my justification is its calming effect and the goodness of slowing the mind. sitting. thinking. rest in peace. peaceful resting. death is peaceful. death is the only peace. only peace is death. and death, these stones, with names, these are signifiers of some body that once was alive and is now dead. and still is! not alive, but is dead! death, then, is another state of being. no it's not crazy energetic twisted troubling life, its death. peaceful death. maybe. i fire up a cig and smoke it. dude, i don't really know. all i know is the life ive lived and who the fuck knows if im really living it. all i know is i am. don't know what death is really like. never been dead. that day though, in the cemetery, fuckin peaceful.

my sonrisa

could be
ought be
feeling
eternally
perpetually
GOODNESS!
all inward,
all over!

distinction nonexistent

first in the mind one dimensional thoughts. in written its different. even this now this the explanation for that one before that was one way in the mind and another when it was written is one way in the mind and another as its written. these self-expressions in my head. and my heart. my dick. yes, my dick. my dick self-expresses too. ah and my toes. all phalanges really. whole hip urea, my pelvic region. oh and my elbows and triceps and inner thigh. ah too my ears that ring would that be in the brain? my throat and quads the bottom of my feet. my heel and neck my nostrils as well. all inclusive body of me all self expressive. all of me. each in its own rite its own. and so on to the universe and all that is.

this

distinction nonexistent

my time alone

what's this? haven't seen you in a while. where have you been?
away. alone. without you. i could ask you the same thing. but im not.
thats not important. you are here now. with me.
and we are here. alone.
are you ever become time lost?
never for you i am always here. when i am not away.
what would i say to time alone?
i missed you.......

my me time. its me time.

most of me aren't a between the tickiest tocks
nor are they are an unseen the tockiest ticks
but watch of watchelous gerbocks
the socks confused the clocks
covered toes covered toes keep them warm
beloved space between toes as space between tocks
watch out for the ticks! the ticks! the ticks!
they come too soon! you move too fast!
watch out! thou tick holy tock! re-veered watch out!!!

have satian of senses to see
defenseless the space between
to the ticks
from the tocks
stop.
then go.

and stop.

{what is the truth in uncovered time?

do you know what time it is?}

on combinations

is life like in math

where all of these must be right

all the way up to the solution

or the solution is wrong?

or is life like all of these can be wrong

all the way up to the solution

and the solution can still be right?

in my first life i learned.

but soon after, i died.

and came to life in secondlies.

come third.

then fourth, aside.

i get all this wrong can i still be right?

i get all this right can i still be wrong?

we're talking concept of time

and no sense of that.

but what was it?

love jones had to give one.

just one, and it need be.

so it was. but not such of necessity.

clearly substance

and form.

what time?

this place,

how should you?

so how will you?

and where is your heart,

thus cuddle its mind.

my femme de intelligentsia

i think therefore i have a brain. and is it so much to ask for my woman to have one too? an intelligent woman. damnit all i ask for is an intelligent woman. i am weak for a heady lady not one that puts on like she's smarter than she actually is but she naturally is smart. she has these big ideas she theorizes she loves to read but only about the things that interest her. when we talk, it is progressive dialogue, it makes sense. she makes sense. and even though i can be difficult to understand, not a problem for her, cause damnit she just might be smarter than me ... but not in what i know. sorry, you can challenge but it's not going to happen. i'm just smarter than you when it comes to that. but she's smarter than me when it comes to this, and damnit, that's fuckin beautiful. i'm weak for it. i yearn for it. i'd shart in my pants for it. i want it so badly i might lie to myself and make it so i need it can't live without it won't live without it pray then will it be so? I WILL IT! BE SO!!!

untitled

hate hurts love heals but place hate as hidden compassion.
love hurts and hate heals sometimes as better action.
i desire to love and without hurt
but what becomes of what love is?
love without hurt?
ah! the bliss of ideals.

love and lack of is before what,

love is and really is.

sure i want to show you i care and all the time

but i cant cause i dont all the time.

speak plethora and i get annoyed

then i preach to practice listening.

but its often because i just want to sit,

and give attention to god's mystery.

when god speaks, hear thought listen!

let go! let god speak freely!

grab another with involved interest,

engage and embrace with intimate thought.

wrestle with what is, and surface what is not.
fill your thinking with humble reasoning

let lesson reveal its message
be aware of hollow words

scorn all empty gestures

for joyful sadness and shimmering rains
one can only inflict what is harbored pain
so the suffering a person has caused you,

they suffer far more
for one can only give what one has
accept it and move on

Do Not Not Love God No!

I love That God Is

and that is God

That God Is.

I was writing. Posting a blog, actually. It was about loving That God Is. Not not loving God no, but to love That God Is. And this is hard because somewhere in there, That God Is is God. God is That God Is. Interesting. Strangely, people have been trying to help me lately. Why? This is not a question of human nature but moreso a curiosity a look into the ways of this Universe the coming to Natural of things. What governs these happenings? What contributing factors? What do I have to do with them? Is there a one the single and first kind of its own generating purpose for an infinite number of happenings thereafter? This must go back to the beginning of The Beginning. HA! I love That God Is. And it's in my opinion us humans who recognize God should not not love God no, but simply, along with you loving God,

Love That God Is.