if wrong is bad & right is good / i'm in control until i'm not

Ugh I see all these things I'm doing wrong but why can't I NOT do them? I know I probably shouldn't drink all the time, but I do, and I drink to get drunk. I know I shouldn't smoke cigarettes but I smoke one pretty much every time I think about smoking one, if my mouth isn't too dry or I have a headache already from smoking too many too often. And spending money, wow, I spend about as much as I make, and I'd spend more if I had it. I think it has something to do with my eff it live for the right now be happy everything will be alright it'll all work itself out anyway kind of thinking. I'm starting to think every time I say that before I'm about to spend money, it's more than likely I'm about to spend money I should probably hold on to, because otherwise, why would I have to convince myself it's okay for me to spend this money? LOL like obviously there's something telling me I shouldn't if I'm trying to tell myself I should. So what am I doing??! I hate feeling down on myself, because all the wrong things I've done make me who I am right now, so that's a good thing, if I'm good right now, but how can I be, if I'm still doing bad things? I'm a horrible person, from all the bad I've done. Have you ever felt that way about yourself, like, I'm a piece of shit? I get that way at times, but then it's back to the eff it everything will be alright, it'll all work itself out anyway! And it does! But that's the worst part. I wonder, is it going to take me to see everything NOT be alright and all NOT work itself out for me to not do the things that make me feel like I'm a piece of shit? I hope I don't wait until then. I hope I change before I'm forced to. I mean, they say we have free choice and they say we make our own life and I agree, a little, but that's only for as long as the universe will allow us to continue to abuse it by doing bad things (oh yea, your body is the universe). So what will I choose: to do the good things or continue to do the bad things knowing these are not the good things I could be doing and be eventually forced into the good things? Who knows what I'll choose, but the universe will survive.