there's something i must change...?

(unwanted, no man would wish this on himself things happening to me, and I'm wrestling with if it's them or me, but it's always me, isn't it.)



...But then its back to me and my choices, but am I wrong to think it's not all my fault? Yea, I've got a whole lot to do with it, and I accept I have the most to do with it, but can a portion of each thing that happens to me be some of another person's responsibility in the way that other person chooses to respond to me and my choices? So some things that happen to me are self-inflicted by my choice, and some things that happen to me I could just be a necessary character in another person's personal human experience of God, right? But then it could be my self-inflicting choices that have elected me in that particular position in that other person's personal human experience of God. Or is it all God's Will? But God gave me freedom to choose for myself if I would have God's Will or my own, so I'm back to it's all my fault, if this is me leaning on mine own will and not God's. But then at the same time God also gives that other person that same free choice to have God's Will or his or her own...my life confuses me.

This is therapeutic for me, I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. But I have never suffered like this. I really thought some pains would go away as I got older, but it's only seeming to get worse and more tragic, and more lasting.
It'll all make sense to me, in due time, I pray.

itsmikala