it is that i become (11.1.06)

what is it that im supposed to be doing? this is weird. all so fuckin weird. that i think. that i can think about thinking. that i think about the thinks that i think about and think about those thinks and not others. that there are thoughts that call for thinking and thoughts that aren't thought at all to be thoughtful. and that some thoughts take more time to think than others. and that i am not ready for the thoughts that i have not thought and ready for the thoughts that i have. timing dude and purpose in timing, right time and wrong, is time and not. you should hear the thoughts my mind thinks. how is it that you decide what to think? or when to think? or how to think? or what to say? and when to say? and how to say? and how do you decide what to think when you dont mean to think it? or what to say when you say something you dont mean to say? or say it when you dont mean to say it? or say it how you dont mean to say it? what am i saying? and what is this suffering? this pain? this becoming? that i dont arleady know, that i have to come to know and come to know that i did not once know what i have now come to know. dude fuckin weird that i dont already know and dont already understand and that i have to come to know and come to understanding. fuckin weird the energy of thoughts. fuckin weird how energy is distributed if it is. they say its entropy that tells energy where to go. entropy? what the fuck? fuckin weird energy of entropy. fuckin weird where is the source of all this energy? is there source? dude, all too much for me except to say it doesnt make sense separate source away from where life is and is not... but all of this is fuckin weird. energy of meaning? energy of awareness? does everything mean something or does only a little of all of this mean a whole lot? does the first piece speak purpose for the whole puzzle? sure sure without the first piece what are the beginnings of a puzzle? but without the puzzle... ah, no puzzle without pieces. and no puzzle with just one piece. it begins with one piece and becomes many pieces that are puzzle in the process of putting together. That's confusing… but then you would say it's a finished puzzle, like a solved riddle. I say though whats the nature of a puzzle? and the nature of a riddle? What do these become? Is it that a puzzle becomes finished, and a riddle solved? What is there to say of a question… that is answered. An answered question or does not the question take the form of its answer? It becomes its answer no? what is the color of this font? Black. This is black font. Wheres the question when the answer is present? The question is in the answer no? This font is black. Oh, I see the question this is an answer to. Surely it is a question of the color of this font. blah blah blah... the question becomes its answer!

it is that i become.